On the one hand people say women should be learning Gemara etc. in a Midrasha and should be able to make Kiddush etc. on the other hand people say women should not and should not be making their own minyanim etc. Because its not the way things were done - but then according to that, women shouldnt learn in Midrashot cause that was also never done - so where do you draw the line in terms of Halacha and in terms of what is proper?

Both in regards to feminism, and the learning of Kabbalah, I think it is improper to talk about the Jewish position or the orthodox position. Your question "what is the best way to serve Hashem?" is exactly to the point, but on that level each person must make a choice.