Shalom It is difficult to prove emotional abuse in marriage. If a husband is treating his wife poorly and basically fulfills the description of emotioanl abuse how can a wife know if he can change when he regrets his purposeful actions which he knew were wrong or denies they happened because he knows he wronged her? How can a wife trust such a man to be intimate with him and have his children? If a husband promises to fix a situation but fails with years, should a wife divorce him? Some women centers think that an abuser can change. Can a man change if he cannot be made to learn of family violence rules because he thinks he has nothing to learn? Can he really change if he accepts to learn of such rules? Can a woman still hope that abuse wont happen in the future?

Shalom, Thank you for your question. I read it with pain and sorrow – and hope that you will be blessed with a better marriage and situation in the near future. It is very difficult to answer your questions – which are of a general nature, but in this case, apply to your specific situation – without knowing you and your marriage first hand. So, before anything else, I strongly recommend that you turn to the many agencies that exist for helping with abuse within marriage. Non one should have to deal with such a situation by themselves. Please, for your own sake, speak to a professional person who is certified and skilled in this area. Now to answer your question. Judaism believes in the power of repentance and change. So, the overall answer to your question is theoretically “yes”. However, as you probably know, such change is very difficult. It requires both great desire on the part of the man to change, and great skill at learning new patterns of behavior. Not every person is able, immediately, at each instant of their lives, to bring about this type of repentance and change, in a true lasting way. So, the practical answer depends on the 1) level of abuse, 2) the true desire to change and 3) the commitment to a program to learn new patterns of behavior. These questions are likely to be able to be judged by an external, impartial, professional. They can review the situation and advise the couple on the correct path to proceed on. (I have personally seen couples successfully work things out; on the other hand, I have also helped abused women gain the strength to leave their marriages, as there was no hope of the required change taking place before more terrible damage was done). Let me finish by stating very clearly – no woman should be living in a situation of abuse. At all. It is totally against all that the Torah teaches us. Please, may you be blessed with the wisdom and strength to turn to professional help near you, and be blessed with a brighter life. Blessings.